as you get older….

heres a heart felt sign of the times ditty! well bit of prose i suppose…as you get older….are you less tolerant of the way the World has evolved.. are things more crazy, hazy, out of your depth, what the younger generation feel, how they act, what happened to old school feelings and beings….Globalisation, civilisation, animals set lose pretending to be humans, what are we? but mammals, animals dressed in clothes pretending we are sophisticated, when we have mutilated the World….plastic fantastic isnt it …. it was invented, intended to make our lives easier, we are blamed, we baby boomers, we are bloomers! as we hear the younger generation tell us what we have done wrong!Fast pace, no trace of what is happening, too fast, all is cast, dont care, are you alive or are you dead? i do care, really…. love you, love you… we say on the phone… then with a tone we are off… where shall i go to get away! America, China, Japan,Lets throw it all away, for another day, the rubbish on the beach, who did we teach? to pick that rubbish up? not me, you see! im the new generation of dont care, throw it away, another day, throw you away too, you are to fat, not good looking, get an air brush to your face, for goodness sake! Im superficial yes…chuck you away for a model, what a doddle, l as i chuck my carton in the sea, thats me, arrogant, crass, fast and good looking…Wheres the caring, wheres the real love, wheres the consideration, wheres the foundation you should have grown on.. your life your home your family….

up the creek without a paddle

I am up the stream without a paddle

My life now seems an awful muddle

To who to turn

For some solace

A helpful hand

And a kind face

The vision of life I have now is faded

And made my life somewhat jaded

I have a lot of fun still inside me

But I’m tired and weary lonely and quite teary

So help me please I need a hug

I’m all alone

As I sit on this rug

I miss the sea

And my home town

And I try to smile

Like some silly clown

survival of the fittest

i have just been on the phone to a friend of mine who i used to work with in London years ago, we both worked for an important bank of stature! We were very busy, responsible and on the go ladies! Working hard, having fun where we could, before we got married.

My friend is widdowed and i am divorced and now we both face not so pleasant health problems, she has breast cancer and i have advanced glaucoma and losing my eye sight. We both once independent ladies, always on the go and helping others are now in a position of needing help ourselves and no we dont like it.

It is not nice to be talked about on the negotiation table as to who is going to help us and whose turn it is now. It is not nice to be compromised and of course left out of a load of stuff because we cant cope with it one way of the other. We will get left behind for sure as our conditions are debilitating and tiring to say the least. My friend is on chemo and i am struggling to see to do everything and it is so tiring, if not scarey and pretty miserable experience.

How would we deal with people like ourselves? would we be empathetic and caring, would we think about that person in their lonelyness and and health issue. Our generation seemed to have more of a family conern about it than todays fast paced people, who have to be busy 24 7 and being very important and doing stuff all the time. lets stick them in a home we hear. thats the best place for them, whilst we get on with our lives and that is fair dos isnt it.

As a wilting flower that grows old and dies and tumbles to the earth we are left and nutured to what is needed as the younger models work their way up through life taking the best they can from it whilst they have the energy and lifeforce within them.

i have had a busy and often stressful life with the blows that have been dealt unexpectedly to me and now this eye thing and my poor friend… not so long ago we were meeting in London every year after our retirement for a catch up and we were ok and little did we know that this would happen to us.

Life is cruel, there are no whys nor wherefores to health and conditions that we have to endure not the nature of other people we encounter.

i only every wanted to be happily married with a kind caring husband and some children and grandchildren around and do the simple things in life that you can enjoy, like my parents did in their day… but a different card was dealt for sure

i hope i can find some semblance of peace and have a bit of company before my clogs are truly popped….

Whatever you say, life is a game of survival for all living beings and isnt it sad when before your time you become one of those old plants that is kept watering in the vain hope that it will gain momentum again one day but in your heart you know it never will….

up the creek without a paddle

I am up the creek without a paddle

My life it is just one big horrid muddle

This awful glaucoma in my eyes

Is surely my worse demise 

I can’t see far it has to be said

But my life is not over I’m not dead!

I feel I have a lot more to give out

There’s hope in me without a doubt

I have every hope and love

And seek guidance from above 

To lead the rest of my life with happiness and peace 

But not seeing is pretty scary you know 

You can’t just go with the flow 

So help me please to find my way

And try and enjoy another day 

if only……

When I lived in Hockley I took my children to a Toddler group in the fire station with Pat. She arranged to have photographer and this is one had taken of my me and Ex husband and family. We were married for 18 years but unfortunately our marriage broke down. He was angry and shouted and bullied me and even more so as I didn’t have a job. It was difficult to work when you had three children and he wasn’t there enough to look after the children or find child care. I did get a job with local Government and promoted too to an Assistant Compliance Officer. A lot of mums were in the same boat as me where I lived with angry husbands who wanted them to work . I ended up divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and mental cruelty and moving away . When we went shopping he would through the things i put in the trolly on the floor, he called me ugly, fat, useless as a mother and a lover and any insult he could he threw at me at this time. We did try and reconcile but it was probably was too late after all that insult!!!! I met someone else and that didn’t work out in the end. I studied art to take my mind off things and thought to be an art teacher but then glaucoma took over, not much luck. Done lots of voluntary work since. Now I’m in Shrewsbury near my daughter which was a big upheaval to different area leaving my life and my friends and my brother in Essex. glaucoma has got a lot worse than when I first got here which is awful shame and I feel very lonely and isolated in new area It’s nice to be near daughter but it’s hard to settle in unfamiliar ground with sight loss and she has her own life to lead . I’m exhausted with it all at 62 all the changes, sight problems and moves and just want to have a pleasant retirement with nice husband even and not be floundering around in a mist on my own … it seems so unfair …. but I WILL get through this pandemic and all! my sight continues to fade to mist, there seems no-one to turn to or understand and i have never felt so alone in all my life as at this time.. i want to move back to the sea, as feel a nuiscance to my daughter and her husband… what a life, if only i did not have this awful glaucoma…. what luck, my dad said i was unlucky….. he perhaps is right unless a miracle happens somewhere here soon…..

Sunday What Ifing

Sunday again
When i first moved to Shrewsbury I walked down to Oxon church with Polly for informal 11 o’clock service then stayed for coffee. I have met some lovely people . Then later in the day Chrissy my daughter and her husband would pop round for bite to eat, Sunday roast or take away or we would go to the Beacon. Now it’s home alone with lock in pandemic and advanced glaucoma in my eyes. Chrissy is doing well with three yoga classes on Sunday check out her page Lifetree Yoga, great way to relax and exercise, I have done it all my life til my eyes turned boggled . Sometimes I think I should have stayed on familiar ground in Southend with clear mind map of area, long standing friends and amenities, plus brother near by, on his own who needs company too and could help me as on my own. Then I think I should have stayed in Hockley my marital home when my marriage broke up that would have been more sensible than all this change. The “what ifs” are emerging as no good future seems imminent. Have you been “what if ing?”

i want to go home!

Sunday has rolled round again

And here I am alone AgainI’m sure someone will ring again

On the telephoneAgain

What a strange lonely little World it is

I feel all in a tizzIn a panamdemicMy eyes all a mist

How did I get here In Shrewsbury alone Oh dear!

Polly and Katy snufflingFor their breakfast and treats

 I’m furraging for my weetabix 

And wish that I could seeAgainJust a wee bit   

How life changes very quick

I really don’t like this much at all Again

I wish I was by the sea Little old me

With my Guide dog Polly And Katy cat

Evidently I repeat myselfBut people just don’t listen you see

I say things again and again

And they just buzz off home to tea

Whilst I’m left here with Katy cat

and Polly doodle

What a noodle

 Self distancing the biscuit tin

So I can stay thin

But this is awful beyond words

 I don’t care what you say

How many calls you make to me I can’t stand this mist

It really is the pits It is time to call it a day ….

 I really have to say …

Let’s paddle in the sea

You and me Have a cup of tea

Icecream chocolate yes that’s nice

That is my kind of Ice

I’ll try and smile

I’ll try and grin

But that mask I will put in the bin

When you have turned your head away…

i want to go home to a my house in Prittlewell, it had a shop across the road, and one near by, the eye hospital was handy, the drs and dentist to walk to, my neighbours would look out for me and my ways, i had a key safe in the house, no grass to cut, my brother could come and stay when ever he wanted and me with him. i was near london to see the boys if they wanted to stay with me My friends, long standing friends, Denise, Rowena, Jill, Rachel, Laura, street life gang all the things i did, art ministry, church walks, beecroft round the corner, prittlewell park, cinema, shops station, bus stop everything i needed was there…

so i need to go back and get it all back, and register with social services and they will give me the key safe and find a house yes or flat near there again that is what i need to do…


Today I feel so homesick

I want to be
By the sea
To hear the gentle waves
Lap upon the shore
To feel sand between my toes
Once more
To see my brother
See my friends smile
And eat icecream
And ponder for a while
Where I belong
Familiar ground to be
By the sea
So take me home
Where I was born
I just feel So forlorn
On my own
No true love
Me mum and dad in heaven above
My sons so far away
My daughter round the corner
To help me I must say
But I want to be free
And see once again
My home it is by the sea
That’s where I want to be