Feelings Today….

Pushed and pulled in all directions
No time for reflections
My vision has faded
I feel jaded
Quietly I am
As I struggle
And life feels like just one big muddle
People help
And tell me what to do
Where I should be
I really don’t know
I’m tired and weary
Lonely too
I want a more cheerful loving view
A day with company
Loving and true
To stay
And say how are you
Make a cup of tea and smile
Stay with me for a while
My strength will return
I will be just fine
Once I have that company of mine

At the moment my glaucoma is getting worse and my picture is fading. I am finding it very difficult living on my own in Shrewsbury, to be honest. I was optimistic when i moved here as vision was a lot better when i came and could see to do lots more things, sort things in the home, see the lovely flowers in my garden, etc etc but since the pandemdemic it has got worse. It is a horrible feeling…. as much as you know you have to come to terms with it and have a Guide Dog etc. I know it is hard for family and friends to understand what you are going through as i look more or less the same, if i had lost a limb it would be more noticable that something was wrong. i am struggling and it is a lonely journey… family grown, husband divorced and married to someone else… it is very isolated…. i live near my lovely daughter Chrissy at the moment and her husband and they help as much as they can, they have their own life to lead… where is the right place for me… back home in Essex, where i was born and have always gone back to. I was born in Hockley, left there to live in London for a while, met my then husband and moved to New Barnet and then we moved back to Hockley and had my children there, they all went to the same school as me. Unfortunately, my marriage broke down, my husband became very volatile to me, as i didnt have a job, it was not easy three children, no help with child minding and not much work around. I did get a job fairly good one with the Government and got promoted but i left him as it was intolerable. he treated me like dirt at the time… swearing at me, no love, if we went shopping he would throw all the things i put in the shopping basket into the isle on the floor, he said i was fat, ugly, useless et etc.. all the things they say… and me an intelligent woman who had had a good job with a bank in London and married to him, given up work to raise my family and care for him… but the following years were not bad when i met Tom and spent a few years with him. holidays, skiing in France, Cyprus, Madeira etc lots of days out etc but no commitment. Then i decided to study art as was always good at it in the past, so i did that and was just about to do a Fine Art Degree, what fun! in Southend on Sea, when the glaucoma set in, aghhhhhhhhhh is all i can say! But i did lots of things, worked as a volunteer for Guide Dogs as a Speaker, worked for the RNIB in London one day a week, going up there to London with Polly on the train, counselling course, had art in Art Trails and Exhibitions locally. Lots of socialising in Southend with New Street Life Group and Arty Friends etc.

And then Chrissy my daughter says mum come and live in Shrewsbury! So wow! what a great idea, tp be near her and her husband and pup Betsie in their lovely new house in Shrewsbury. So i did it, upheavaled and moved there, for some reason i had a uplift in vision and managed to do lots of things see lots of things it seemed, perhaps it was the positivity of the moment, Itwas great to see her and Mike often, joined a choir, joined a little Church, met some friends, The Beakon pub a great haunt. But certain things went pear shaped, mainly the galucoma, leaving me feeling very isolated and alone with it all as no husband and the boys never came to see me like they used to do in Southend…. then the pendemic! aghhhhhh double whammie! it has been a nightmare to be sure, not being able to see is nightmare on Westwood Drive! Lonely! here yes i am , so move back to where i was. it wont be the same, but it will be familiar ground, where i really wanted to be was in Marylands Avenue where i was married, i wanted to be married to the same man all my life like my mum and dad and all those folks on Facebook who announce they have been married for such a ong time, i would have been married 36 years this year in fact! My little house with the view of the countryside in the backroom, walk to the woods and handy for the shops and station… Instead here i am in this very lovely bungalow in Shrewsbury, on my own, with advanced glaucoma and in a panemdemic! With trusty guide dog and cat Katy here they are with me, thank God, every night and day, it is an experience that is not that pleasant to lose your eyesight…. and be alone…. i never dreamed it …

So now what do i do, i can move back to the place i was before round the corner and spend time with my brother who is on his own. My children are wonderous about him…. he drove me bonkers when i was a child… but he is my blood and my brother too, just as they are my children… Blood makes you close, we were clsoe my mum my dad and him as my parents were not divorced and come what may however we drove each other up the wall, we stuck together. I left my husband as he was so horrible to me at the time…. he is married to the women he met straight away who lives in Rayleigh, whose husband was horrid to her! there you go, swings and round abouts.

So now i just need to find the right place for a visually impaired woman to live her days in peace and in ease as much as she can and have some enjoyment in life as best she can with this sight problem.

I do smile, at things, occasionally, though i have cried a lot recently with it all, it is overwhelming…. I wanted my children to have that sort of mum and dad who came round and helped them with the decorating, did stuff for them, confident and supporting, happy together…

Im really sorry kids, it did not work that way…. i really am, it breaks my heart and sometimes i think it has and that is why vulnerable health problems can take their toll like the glauoma. My dad had glaucoma but he was still driving his car into his seventies.

So where is this haven, this peaceful place, where i can find luck peace and happiness for the rest of my days?

Courage to the change the things i can

and Wisdom to know the differene

Image result for Serenity Prayer. Size: 204 x 204. Source: society6.com

and so it is today 15th February 2021

today i feel a sense of peace after going to the eye clinic…the mist is thick, there is nothing they can apart from the surgery… the simbrinza makes your eyes sore and doesnt do much in the way of pressure reductionit is to adjust to this vision

to stay calm

to decide where to live

is it here or is it in Southend near my brotheri can pull out at the last minute, the moveif i stay here

what would i do to this placeor would i move to a new house
i need to preserve the vision i have left

so

yoga

meditation

exercise

routine

good diet

positive thinking

happy thoughts

dont be control

dont be upset at others actions

give and help others

Different Worlds Apart

the way people live now is so different.  in olden days, as they say everyone stayed in the village and worked and lived and died there, in a close knit family . Farming, simple trades, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers….


Now…Whooosh!  You have a child it whizzes off to University or meets a guy on the internet and they gone!  They find work somewhere else and thats it, the family are scattered all over the place.  Add to that divorce and separation and what do you get, a stack load of lonely middle aged to aging people.  What do they do nowadays? They go and live together in Retirement Apartments or Villages or Caravan parks even!  What a Word! Then the final step, you sit in an old peoples home waiting to die in the vain hope that one of your family who are of course extremely busy will come and see you.


The sky is full of planes rushing from one country to another, the roads filled with cars, the tracks with trains, very important people rushing around doing very important things…..


Life is bonkers, do we ever remember to be humble and how unimportant we really are as we puff ourselves up in this outfit that really is survival of the fittest like any in the animal world.


Enjoy as best you can your life and dont let anyone steal your thunder, strive through the dark bits and seek the light


God bless everyone….

he made it but hes going to let you get on with it come good days and bad

The Swing

When I was a child

I remember the swing

In the garden

My dad had made it of wood

And there it stood

sat on the swing

So high I swung

It was the dawn

Fresh day

My life just begun

The dew on the grass glistened Like a million little lights

I imagined they were fairies

As they twinkled bright

I’d swing higher and higher

As high as I could

On the dear old swing

Made of wood

It creaked very much

But I didn’t mind

It was a great feeling

No other kind

Swinging high

So high

Then off I’d jump

With a thump

The birds were singing

And the day so quiet

Like me

I said not a word

Whilst the whole of the World could be heard

I’d listen

And watch those fairies glisten

It was another day

Childhood days so innocent I cherish themIn my memory

Peaceful days

Of happy times

No strife

Just a simple family life

With my mum my dad my brother My aunties and uncles Cousins grandmothers

Our pet dog

A budgie too

Life was just grand

Through and through

We all got on,we laughed a lot, we loved each other

Happy days Days like this there could be no other

We’d meet for tea and celebrations

Tea the very heart of our nation!

Around a table altogether

Whatever the climate

Whatever the weather

Happy daze

Image may contain: 2 people, shoes, dog, child and outdoor

Photo of my brother and I on the swing with our dog Trixie

second verse

Have patience for those around you
And understand their feelings
We all have different premise
with very different meaning
tis true
As you rush around in your “busy” world
remember to take hold of what is good and true
and have some thought
for those that need
and truly dearly love you

Yourself

Take a moment to have peace 

Take a breath

And sit quietly 

Do not judge 

Do not ridicule 

Do not listen to the gossiping 

Have strength in your humble status 

Let those with anger and ridicule pass you by

As you breath in peace 

None of this matters 

But the peace you have In your heart

Which is the strength 

Which will take you forward 

To where you need to be 

With Gods grace S

Set you free 

Christmas Tree

little Christmas tree

just look at me

with my tinsel and my lights

i am so pretty

light up the room

im cheerful with all my might

ill have some present put around the floor

and we will have some fun

such fun

like never before

toys aplenty, chocolate santas

bottles of coke and some orange fanta!

Cant wait to have some fun at Christmas time

So sing a song and make it a happy time

rant on rosy…..

this is a rant only – my situation – i was referred to Birmingham Eye Clinic from Shrewsbury eye clinis as i have advanced glaucoma to have an Aqueus shunt implant to drain the fluid that causes glaucoma, as the drops dont work and the tablets they give you make you feel like you cant move. This was over 17 weeks ago! During this time, i have lost loads more vision, the net curtain is thickening and i sent a message to the hospital via PALS few days ago to see what was happening with this. It could help stop me losing all my sight it is a possibility but whilst i have waited all this time i have lost loads of sight! I sat here this moring with Katy my cat on my lap wondering how on earth i am going to cope on my own in this increased mist situation when i receive the call from hospital today. So the best they can do is give me a pre-op appointment for 9th December and no sign of the op til New Year. The lady on the phone asked what else could she do, i said a pair of bionic eyes would be helpful so i could see to do my shopping and practical things in life as normal. Birmingham hospital is hour and half aways drive, so will have to cadge a lift. If i was in Southend, it would be 10 minutes or even walk of 20 and my brother would take me. At this moment in time i feel numb with looking through a thicker net curtain grateful for having Katy on my lap purring and trying not to cry and feel very lonely with it as dont have a partner or husband to make me a cuppa or lend a shoulder to cry on…. life is pretty much lemons….when Christmas spirit should begin to prevail… and i guess, going to the hospital could be a risk with this COVID thing going on? So what do i do, not bother with it in case i catch COVID or take a chance and perhaps save a bit of my eyesight thats left? I am going to move back to Southend then have it done there in handy locality? i am now really fed up with all the traipsing i have done from one of the county to another, ousted out of my marriage home by my bullying husband in my comfy home in Hockley, where i loved living to live in Southend and then coming up here to be near Chrissy and Mike which is very nice but i feel very lonely and isolated and out of my depth as dont know the area very well and sustained more sight loss since been here as well as a panamdemic! When i first came here i had much optismism maybe too much and my sight was actually good for what it was and had planned to carry on my counselling course and other activities and didnt need lots of help but really since the pandemic my sight has got worse, so maybe it is the stress of it all moving, change, panamdemic or maybe it would have happened anyway. Either way it is lemons that need to be sweetened and practical solutions with happiness thrown in as a welcome bonus,

so it must be easy to find your underpants in the morning must it and make your dinner if you cant see!

2020

The World seems to be upside down
we laugh we smile we hide a frown
Our purpose once so important and everlasting
has surely taken on a new casting
this stage we set ourselves upon
as we rush around
and look beyond
always striving to do the best
and putting ourselves to the longest test
when really we animals in human clothing
as we hate, love, bully and often loathing
others who are better than we
if we sit and take it easy
we are seen to be twee!
life is a game
survival of the fittest
birth, live, wear out die
thats what we do
with an interlude of importantance just in view
we should really just take time to be with our families
that is what we need the most
please give a toast!
to that!
the other stuff just doesnt matter
families should be together
and that is that
the blood flows through us and should be as one
and if not
we fall apart
and the day is done
the World 2020
has stretched too far
and now its at a crux
and will need a bar
to appreciate the simple things in life
like birds singing
sunshine
and a simple life
so take is easy
strive for less “things”
they dont make you happy
just sing
with your family and friends
together
not in little boxes on your own
where you will just die with a groan