16th March 2021

i think when you move your sight will improve, i think  when you first came here there was positivity, your pressures went down, you looked lovely and wore your lenses had your hair done and it was good but the negitivity which followed towards me with regard to having glaucoma symptoms plus the pandemic and living on your own for all this time has made it a lot worse but even if it doesnt get better it wont get worse as if you move making a change then it will get better or improve living in southen don sea where you lived before you were ok with it or you can stay with alan or get a retirement property to live in.. let mike and chrissy live their life and not have to worry about me that is the best thing to do for their sakes, advanced glaucoma has come early for me and this is probably because of the stress i have experienced from Brian when we were married and all the agression and nastiness and then working and moving all at once in southend and all the things that you did after that going to college for access to art and design and degree etc, then going to hereford college and working for rnib and family lives etc and encountering men that were not suitable for you.  its probably best just to stay on your own and live with alan if he is ok with that and lead a peaceful quiet life even if you dont go out with him but stay indoors its not going tobe easy with this sight loss, coming to live in Shrewsbury shropshire is not a good idea for someone with sight loss living on their own.  things will get better but it is not going to be easy.  there is negivity in this bungalow maybe because the woman who lived here before died in here and so impacting on my health too, there is a possiblity as feel something in here and have to fight for life andkeeping well but my imune system has been affected as regards smear test, this is the first time this has happened you have fungal infetion in toe. advamced glaucoma.  Dad had glaucoma but he was still driving his car in his 70s, this has come on far too earlly for me.. He was happily married which made all the difference to his life and as he always said to me that mum was his eyes. i dont have anyone to be my eyes.  My children probably dont want to be bothered with me because of this and it is a shame and it was a shame that our marriage broke down as Brian had such a horrible bad temper which he never showed me when i first met him but when he got stressed with job loss etc .  His mood was stress related and i should have understood this at the time but when someone continually insults and denegrates you and i didnt understand it as made my health worse i had to leave and get away from it. the flight or fight situation is there, and i usually take flight.  it was a shame because i got him out of his horrible life with his mum and dad who were bullies to him and Andrew and he was an intelligent man had  passed his 11 plus and could have gone to a really good school but his parents did not encourage him to do so and he went to  a terrible secondary school.  we were very happy to begin with and the children and i loved looking after them , it is all a shame and a tradgey to be sure.  this life has been hard, i have had many wonderful times throughout it with my life as a child with my mum dad brother and family, golden days and also when my children were young.  At the time of writing this in a pandemic, in bungalow in Shrewsbury with advanced glaucoma and very misty vision and flashing light it is not pleasant at all and i plan to move back to Southend on Sea next week.  I have been very nervous, upset, panicky and fearful recently, a lot but the past couple of days i have had a peace inside me regardless of the eye sight.  It is like i understand it, but it wont go away, it is a flipping nuiscance when i wanted to enjoy the rest of my life, see my family, grandchildren if i have any and now i have to put up with this for the rest of my life.  So, advanced glaucoma, in a new place, Shrewsbury, living on my own, in a pandemic!  To be honest it is a living hell.  Chrissy wanted her mum, a normal supportive mum to be near her and Mike as they have no family here them and i started out ok but it has all gone pear shaped as the glaucoma has got worse and then pandemic.  i wont let this beat me and i am determined to live the rest of my life to a good old age and enjoy it.  If i make the change and move back to Essex, perhaps that will work and get away from the negitivity in this bungalow and have some company with my brother.  People have said i am an empath so this is true as i attract people to me who just seem to think they can talk to me as if they have known me for ages and i hardly or dont even know them.
So thats the end of this piece and got this off my chest as i sit here and pray that keep some of my vision to carry on a semblance of a life.   

yes when i first came to Shrewsbury i remember going to the eye clinic at the Sundorn Road and coming out having reasonable pressures and seeing quite well too for what it was, it was very positive when i first came to Shrewsbury and it was peaceful with the quietness, garden and room in the bungalow. I had said to my pets Katy and Polly when we were living in Southend that we would move and find a nice place to live with a garden. Perhaps i am programmed to fail or things to go wrong as in my marriage though i tried my hardess with what it did and i did get a job and was a working woman as Brian wanted, working for the government and had a good job as an Assistant Compliance Officer, even though i hated doing it. I think this glaucoma has a lot to answer for. i pray i can keep some of my vision it is so difficult to live with little or no vision on your own. Please let me survive this and be able to have a bit of a nice life til i die in my old age. rant over

Author: rosyhaze

I became interested in poetry about a year ago and try to write about things from my heart that are associated with events in my life or events going on in the World at large or closer to home. I am a visual artist and still am to a certain extent having exhibited some of my work as a visually impaired artist using sponges to paint. I have lost most of my eyesight in recent years to advanced glaucoma and my vision is now very limited I am finding my creativity now evolving in writing poetry and hope to publish my own book of verse in the future. I have a blog page on Wordpress where I share my poetry, art, photography, thoughts and favourite quotes and prayers at https://rosypoems.com

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