Feelings Today….

Pushed and pulled in all directions
No time for reflections
My vision has faded
I feel jaded
Quietly I am
As I struggle
And life feels like just one big muddle
People help
And tell me what to do
Where I should be
I really don’t know
I’m tired and weary
Lonely too
I want a more cheerful loving view
A day with company
Loving and true
To stay
And say how are you
Make a cup of tea and smile
Stay with me for a while
My strength will return
I will be just fine
Once I have that company of mine

At the moment my glaucoma is getting worse and my picture is fading. I am finding it very difficult living on my own in Shrewsbury, to be honest. I was optimistic when i moved here as vision was a lot better when i came and could see to do lots more things, sort things in the home, see the lovely flowers in my garden, etc etc but since the pandemdemic it has got worse. It is a horrible feeling…. as much as you know you have to come to terms with it and have a Guide Dog etc. I know it is hard for family and friends to understand what you are going through as i look more or less the same, if i had lost a limb it would be more noticable that something was wrong. i am struggling and it is a lonely journey… family grown, husband divorced and married to someone else… it is very isolated…. i live near my lovely daughter Chrissy at the moment and her husband and they help as much as they can, they have their own life to lead… where is the right place for me… back home in Essex, where i was born and have always gone back to. I was born in Hockley, left there to live in London for a while, met my then husband and moved to New Barnet and then we moved back to Hockley and had my children there, they all went to the same school as me. Unfortunately, my marriage broke down, my husband became very volatile to me, as i didnt have a job, it was not easy three children, no help with child minding and not much work around. I did get a job fairly good one with the Government and got promoted but i left him as it was intolerable. he treated me like dirt at the time… swearing at me, no love, if we went shopping he would throw all the things i put in the shopping basket into the isle on the floor, he said i was fat, ugly, useless et etc.. all the things they say… and me an intelligent woman who had had a good job with a bank in London and married to him, given up work to raise my family and care for him… but the following years were not bad when i met Tom and spent a few years with him. holidays, skiing in France, Cyprus, Madeira etc lots of days out etc but no commitment. Then i decided to study art as was always good at it in the past, so i did that and was just about to do a Fine Art Degree, what fun! in Southend on Sea, when the glaucoma set in, aghhhhhhhhhh is all i can say! But i did lots of things, worked as a volunteer for Guide Dogs as a Speaker, worked for the RNIB in London one day a week, going up there to London with Polly on the train, counselling course, had art in Art Trails and Exhibitions locally. Lots of socialising in Southend with New Street Life Group and Arty Friends etc.

And then Chrissy my daughter says mum come and live in Shrewsbury! So wow! what a great idea, tp be near her and her husband and pup Betsie in their lovely new house in Shrewsbury. So i did it, upheavaled and moved there, for some reason i had a uplift in vision and managed to do lots of things see lots of things it seemed, perhaps it was the positivity of the moment, Itwas great to see her and Mike often, joined a choir, joined a little Church, met some friends, The Beakon pub a great haunt. But certain things went pear shaped, mainly the galucoma, leaving me feeling very isolated and alone with it all as no husband and the boys never came to see me like they used to do in Southend…. then the pendemic! aghhhhhh double whammie! it has been a nightmare to be sure, not being able to see is nightmare on Westwood Drive! Lonely! here yes i am , so move back to where i was. it wont be the same, but it will be familiar ground, where i really wanted to be was in Marylands Avenue where i was married, i wanted to be married to the same man all my life like my mum and dad and all those folks on Facebook who announce they have been married for such a ong time, i would have been married 36 years this year in fact! My little house with the view of the countryside in the backroom, walk to the woods and handy for the shops and station… Instead here i am in this very lovely bungalow in Shrewsbury, on my own, with advanced glaucoma and in a panemdemic! With trusty guide dog and cat Katy here they are with me, thank God, every night and day, it is an experience that is not that pleasant to lose your eyesight…. and be alone…. i never dreamed it …

So now what do i do, i can move back to the place i was before round the corner and spend time with my brother who is on his own. My children are wonderous about him…. he drove me bonkers when i was a child… but he is my blood and my brother too, just as they are my children… Blood makes you close, we were clsoe my mum my dad and him as my parents were not divorced and come what may however we drove each other up the wall, we stuck together. I left my husband as he was so horrible to me at the time…. he is married to the women he met straight away who lives in Rayleigh, whose husband was horrid to her! there you go, swings and round abouts.

So now i just need to find the right place for a visually impaired woman to live her days in peace and in ease as much as she can and have some enjoyment in life as best she can with this sight problem.

I do smile, at things, occasionally, though i have cried a lot recently with it all, it is overwhelming…. I wanted my children to have that sort of mum and dad who came round and helped them with the decorating, did stuff for them, confident and supporting, happy together…

Im really sorry kids, it did not work that way…. i really am, it breaks my heart and sometimes i think it has and that is why vulnerable health problems can take their toll like the glauoma. My dad had glaucoma but he was still driving his car into his seventies.

So where is this haven, this peaceful place, where i can find luck peace and happiness for the rest of my days?

Courage to the change the things i can

and Wisdom to know the differene

Image result for Serenity Prayer. Size: 204 x 204. Source: society6.com

Author: rosyhaze

I became interested in poetry about a year ago and try to write about things from my heart that are associated with events in my life or events going on in the World at large or closer to home. I am a visual artist and still am to a certain extent having exhibited some of my work as a visually impaired artist using sponges to paint. I have lost most of my eyesight in recent years to advanced glaucoma and my vision is now very limited I am finding my creativity now evolving in writing poetry and hope to publish my own book of verse in the future. I have a blog page on Wordpress where I share my poetry, art, photography, thoughts and favourite quotes and prayers at https://rosypoems.com

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