dangle the mangled eyes

when i wake up i still have my glasses on as i wonder what i will still see, i have advanced glaucoma and the picture is fading more each day, it is a nightmare, and everyone wants me to be ok but its not ok, its tiring, stressful, lonely and horrid. Can barely see through this thick white mist betending to be ok. So have to grit teeth betend ok, take the anti anxiety tablets, dream on, feel lonely but thats my lot, its crap life to deal with so deal with it, Shrewsbury is a sleepy place and everything is a taxi or bus ride away when not in lock down circumstances, may change soon, unless we get another spike!

We are in the midst of a panemdemic so it makes it worse, it seems people are getting ill more? and more dying not just of covid-19 or maybe they would have anyway, would i have got such severe glaucoma at this time? When i moved to Shrewsbury, it was fairly stable with pressures ok and using two sets of drops and felt quite good about it at the time, positive, but since then it has not been so good…. isolation here as dont know many people, Chrissy and Mike busy with their lives and i feel like a spare part, or a pink cow patt in a blue cow field!!! lots of cows and cow patts up here! Vision has got very misty white and distant, i thought it would last out a lot longer whats left. i think moving and the stress of it and the changes and the attitudes i have experienced here from family have caused changes that were not welcome… this causes stress and glaucoma to get worse. The last thing i need tobe doing is moving house when i have end stage advanced glaucoma and live on my own. Peace i need peace and quiet and kindly helpful people around me… i feel well out of my depth with this, never dreamed i would end up divorced, with advanced glaucoma, on my own, in Shrewsbury in the midst of a panamdemic too! i feel like rubbish most of the time too, mainly due to the eye situation, all the rest of me is fine! used to swim 20 lengths or more, tai chi, walking, yogasize in the morning… and now i feel like a wreck with a heart beating inside that wants to come and out get on with life but cant see where she is going!

Why me? why not some other bugger that has been a bully, nasty cruel wicked and horrid to others, why me when all i have ever done is tolerate and been nice to everyone as best i could in circumstances as a human being…. the buggers get away with it… where the Karma?

where will i go? what will happen?

Should have stayed on familiar ground with my eye clinic of 27 years or more, drs, dentists, low vision optician and the rest in Southend and here it is all very different, far away…. HELP!!!!

please God i say every morning let me keep this bit of vision til am at least 90 if i live that long! just so i can function without help from others…. please! PLEASE!

if had stayed in my house in Southend, my brother would have come over and helped me every day and could have stayed and i with him. The boys in London could have come and visited easily, they wont come here… its too far! TOO FAR!!! really, i thought youngsters jet setted all around the World! Who wants to be with their grumpy sad blind mother now anyway, shes not much use, well perhaps she has a bob or two in her pocket!!

oh well PLEASE let me keep this bit of eyesight i have….. PLEASE!

Author: rosyhaze

I became interested in poetry about a year ago and try to write about things from my heart that are associated with events in my life or events going on in the World at large or closer to home. I am a visual artist and still am to a certain extent having exhibited some of my work as a visually impaired artist using sponges to paint. I have lost most of my eyesight in recent years to advanced glaucoma and my vision is now very limited I am finding my creativity now evolving in writing poetry and hope to publish my own book of verse in the future. I have a blog page on Wordpress where I share my poetry, art, photography, thoughts and favourite quotes and prayers at https://rosypoems.com

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