life line

born 8th may 1958 at 20 Southview Road, dad had just gone to work in london, for British Telecom had older brother Alan, five years older than me, always worrying and nervous about everythingsat in the middle of the garden eating an icecream!went to plumberow primary schoollearnt to swim in outdoor poolbest thing was going round the block on roller skates or bike with friend Debbie across the roadfell in a rose bush on bike and dad said get up quick and try again or you will lose your confidencelots of fetes and country dancing at plumberow primary schoolhad holidaysin Wales and Norfolk, remember dad buying us yoyos to use whilst we were waiting the cystern to fill up in the toilets in the hotel in llendadnu Wales, Norfolk in a caravan, wet cold windy, my mum said bugger this lets go home in the middle of the week!dad taught me to dive into the pool by flipping my ankles up as i went in the watermy gran and grandad his mum and dad lived in london, bethnal green, they were from Jewish family and their family had a picture framing shop in Bethnal green, my grandads name was Abraham, which is what they called the eldest son, he was a grumpy old so and so and wasnt very nice to my nan, when he keeled over and died aged 73 after his tea of a heart attack my nan said thank goodness that silly old so and so has copted it!went to Greensward School mayhemliked art, english needlework, got gcses in these subjectsused to go to youth club and then get on the bus to The Crown in Rayleighnever really had a proper boyfriendVince for a whileworked as a Saturday girl in the chemist in the village, aunty lesley across the road got me the jobgot a job with British Telecom, nepatism through dad who worked there, as a drawning office assistantwas useless at the maths so had to learn it!got a job with local government office in victoria avenue, inland revenueleft to train to be a state enrolled nurse in Surreygave it up and came homedid a Pitmans secretarial course in london and learn shorthand typinggot a job with Coutts Bank in londonwent to Judo classes with friend Penny to keep fit and self defenceMet Brian and AndrewMet Jackie who had a flat in a tower block and asked meand Brian to sharewe didthen Brian and i became girlfriend and boyfriendJackie leftwe saved up and bought a maisonette in New BarnetBrian was a stonemason, someone who repaired old churches, he did his apprentaship on West Minster Abbey, he was always skiving in the toilet according to AndrewJackie, Andrew Brian and i went to see ET at the cinema in West End, that was the first time we all met and the London Zoo, they were a funny pair really Andrew and Brian, their parents were Irish from farms and come over to make money as youths.  Andrew and Brian were born in Kilburn Park Road, where all the Irish people lived when they came over to live here.i wrote to all the companies in road in New Barnet and got a job in an insurance company there so handy for work, walking distancedecided to have a babygot married in Barnet Registry Office all my friends and family came to my house for reception which i did myself with my friendwe decided to move to Hockley where my parents and brother livedBrian was doing ok with job we bought a new house in Betts Farm Estate, Sudely GardensHad baby Christine Frances MckenzieHad baby Nicholas Ryan Mckenzie two years laterthen we moved to a different house at end of plumberow avenuethen we moved to a house nearer town, Marylands avenuehad baby Robert Alexander MckenzieBrian worked in London, as stone mason, it was hard comute for him, very stressed and tiredwould go and visit his parents in London for weekend with childrenthey would come and visit us too for weekend and holidaysmy parents lived round the corner, granny round the corner busy timeswashing, children, dinners, play group, school, swimming, karate, birthdays all sorts of things to keep us busy with familywent swimming with robert whilst brian took christine and nicholas to karatetime went on and onhid dad died in the hospital where Lady Diana would visit the aides patientsi never had a jobdid lots of voluntary work in the primary school18 years marriednicholas passed 11 plus and went to Southend High School for boysRob really good at swimmingChrissy could play the recorder and sing in the choir,Nick had lesson with mr Titford the guitar teacherloved seeing them in the school plays, so funny, lovely and sweet, best days of my life…. busy lovely children, my parents loved it and so did brians18 years marriedBrian very stressedtried to find worktold me horrible things, ugly fat useless mother usual male insultsalways shouting and putting fist through doors, scarey stuff…. oh no respect for mei did get job with local government, employer compliance but he carried on, decided to leavesold housebought a flat in southendthen got a mortgage and bought a house in southend and divorced Brianhe married a woman in RochfordChrissy went to live in Solihull with Mikes family, who she met onlineNick went to Leeds uni english and italianRob went to Welyn Gnd uni Film studies after he left Greensward college and did a techy thing at southend college.i got a job at South Essex college in Registry, admissions, enrolment, exams, library, first aid officer.met Tom went out with him for six years lots of National Trust buildings and family time with his family andmy childenhe went off with an old girlfrienddid an Access to art and design course.worked full time in collegewent to Central St Martins to do  a degree in ceramics, londonafter year stopped and applied to do fine art at Southend college, great!Chrissy getting married in las vegaswent to eye clinic told had advaned glaucomamy world tumbled downwent to las vagas was spaced outchrissy got married, went over grand canyon in a helecopterstarted doing fine art degree year and half had pip guide dogpulled me over and she was retired and went to Hannahs parents for petstill worked for a whilemet Rob who did my bathroom upgave up art degree after year two got a piano for Chrissy up the stairs to the flatgot Polly Guide Dogtrained in Redbridge at Holiday Innjoined The Art Ministry for visually impaired artistshad work in exhibitions in Southend,Southend Art Trail, Hadleigh Art Trail etcSunflowr painting for allotment in leigh on sea with Jill Adairmet lots of lovely people here Rowena Right, laura mills, my PA for a while, Rachel Hollyworked for RNIB in London one day a week Advise teamdid first year of Counselling course at South Essex CollegeWorked as volunteer for Family Lives phone servie in Hadleighdid a project in london with Gemma and Leigh visually impaired art degree ideaswent to Hereford college for blind to do Business and Admin courseworked for Look-uk as a Project Assistantset up an art project in london, cancelled as no attendees arrangedjoined New Street Life social group in southend and went on walks, seafron Tuesday, Pier Saturday and lots of birthdays and teas, dinners, outings celebrations all the time, great crowdlistened to music in priary park on Sat and Sun afternoon, open mike at the military club in West Street on a friday evening with David Antoni also did a web page design course with free voucher college were giving us when i worked there.Went to Baptist church in Westcliff met Jeannette and DianeWent to St Marys Church of england church in Prittlewell, beautiful organ music and choir.met lots of people in southend and potential men friends!non for the takersMum died in Southend Hospital of old ageChrissy came to stay with methen a year later Grandad my dad diedi miss them so much…….there is no one like the lovely people they were and my aunties and unles and cousinsinherited the moneyChrissy and mike had moved to Shrewsburythey suggested i move therei was surprisedi sold my house in Southend, Colchester roadcame to live in Shrewsburyi have this awful glaucoma its there all the time robbing my sight its awful Andrew who had Helen his common law wife had moved to Norfolk had Zoe and Luke children, died suddenly of a strokeNick and Lindsey, Nicks girlfriend Rob and i travelled to Norfolk to the funeral and of course Polly my guide dog too. taken before his time in his 50sMy brother is left in Hockley as i move up here, i should not have left them there on his own.he moved into my parents bungalow and rents his flat out.i came to live in ShrewsburyChrissy and Mike live round the cornerHad My Guide from Guide Dogs, Helenshowed me roundjoined Oxon Churchmet few nice people thee, Jeanette, Jan and Dave, Marie Helen StantonHandymen Chris and Mal do my place up, meet Jenny across the road and Jannet and martin next door for cups of teafeel like a tourist for first few monthsRiver Severn  always flooding the car parkCharles Darwin lived here, the fame of Shrewsbury, Shrewsbury the Shire, the place of hobbits, well to do cartoonists guide dogs tall trees and very much politeness¬i miss Essex i had lived in Essex area all my life, it is too much to come here and live here and leave my brother behind, i should not have done itNick is living in Plumstead now with his girlfriend Lindsey or partner i would say, Rob in a studio flat in Balham a film editor, looking for work after working for co that did all the tennis tournaments.  Nick has been into charity but training to be lawyer good plan! Mike Graphic designer and portrate artist and chrissy is Life Tree Yoga expert, Grandad, my dad, stand on his head would be proud of her, of all of them in fact, i hope he is looking down, and seeing them all, i remember all the silly games he played with them when we went to grans and grandads house for tea and christmas fun! the memories i have…
Now i sit here alone, in this bungalow in Shrewsbury, a very nice bungalow, but i dont like it…. with my glaucomatized eyes on my own, no husband no partner, how lonely and awful is this…. and smile and betend its all ok, well no it isnt is it… if you cant see and you are on your own… its awful crap terrible….i must see my brother or live near him, for my last days, i owe it to Grandad, we were a family, grandad didnt give up on us like my husband blamed me for everything from the beginning of time!!! stress, madness, all of it, ive been busy, its all over now…. my life, im so tired…. i need to find a place to be quiet and end my days, i wont live as long as them as i have been through too much and too much stress with people and places and done too many different things i didnt need to do especially when i had this glaucoma, and oh the lonelyness of it here it awful.  I have a pain in the neck from the stress of trying to see as my sight goes, give me peace
i will add to this as i think of things and events that stick in my mind or pop up in my mind. 

Author: rosyhaze

I became interested in poetry about a year ago and try to write about things from my heart that are associated with events in my life or events going on in the World at large or closer to home. I am a visual artist and still am to a certain extent having exhibited some of my work as a visually impaired artist using sponges to paint. I have lost most of my eyesight in recent years to advanced glaucoma and my vision is now very limited I am finding my creativity now evolving in writing poetry and hope to publish my own book of verse in the future. I have a blog page on Wordpress where I share my poetry, art, photography, thoughts and favourite quotes and prayers at https://rosypoems.com

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