The Swing

Here’s a poem ….

When I was a child
I remember the swing
In the garden
My dad had made it of wood
And there it stood
I sat on the swing
So high I swung
It was the dawn
Fresh day
My day just begun
The dew on the grass glistened
Like a million little lights
I imagined they were fairies
As they twinkled bright
I’d swing higher and higher
As high as I could
On the dear old swing
Made of wood
It creaked very much
But I didn’t mind
It was a great feeling
No other kind
Swinging high
So high
Then off I’d jump
With a thump
The birds were singing
And the day so quiet
Like me
I said not a word
Whilst the whole of the
World could be heard
I’d listen
And watch those fairies glisten
It was another day
Childhood days so innocent
I cherish them
In my memory
Peaceful days
Of happy times
No strife
Just a simple family life
With my mum my dad my brother
My aunties and uncles
Cousins grandmothers
Our pet dog
A budgie too
Life was just grand
Through and through

English Weather Spring 2021

the sun was shining
the daffodils smiled
it was really hot for a short while!
we swam in the sea
put our summer dress on
and thought great!
the good weather has begun!
Then the air turned cold
whats this all about
Give me my overcoat
i hear someone shout!
its snowing and hailing
all through the night
what a sight!
And now its chilly windy and bright
oh what a sight
The weather keeps changing
its doesnt know what season
there is no reason
one minute hot
one minute cold
i may be so bold
as to say
what is the weather going to be today
English Weather seems to be rather eratic
And changes all the time its quite frantic
so make sure you have your shorts, overcoat and brollyor
or else you feel like a right silly wally!

Happy Days Are On The Way

Happy days are on the way

Sunshine fun and laughter

We will see the beauty of this World

And enjoy with family and friends again

Give each other a hug and a kiss

Something that we all have missed

Let the World once more turn in joy

For every man woman girl and boy!

See the beauty of the earth, the flowers, trees and sea

The sun shining brighly in the sky

a pleasure for you and me

Let all thats past be forgotten now

And enjoy each new day anyhow

Raise your glass and keep it full

Have no worries at all!

The World will be a better place

And so i say with good grace

what a to do

Since my sight loss

I don’t know what to do

What’s best

 Through and through

 Some say stay

And some say go

I just never know 

What to do

’m in a blurr

A horrid muddle

I could really do with a cuddle 

I’ve tried my best

To do what’s right

 No one seems to

See my plight

As dailyI lose more sight

So in Gods hands

 I’ll let it rest

I really have been put to the test

Pushed and pulled In all directions 

So now I need to take a break 

And see what of this

 The World will make  

Peace

Bless me with peace in my heart

Bless me with peace in my heart, five me the strength to leave the past behind and let me find a future that is happy and good. At this time i am up the creek without a paddle and need a good stream to follow with a vehicle that will take me to the right place.

We have the past in our hands and we hold it but let it go and let the future find its way for you without worry, the now is what you need to think about, today and how you will cope and what you will do.

Mental Abuse

abuse does not only have to be physical as you know, mental abuse however subtle can affect you badly and make you feel awful, my husband did this to me in the past…

when we went shopping he would throw my shopping on the floor that i put in the shopping basket

he called me fat and ugly and no good in bed

he would shout at me and blame me for everything and roar loudly and put his fist through the door

he would not come off the internet so that i could call my mum when we had only one line to use and had one or other to use on pc or phone

he would blame me for everything from the beginning of time to the present day

i was once an independent woman working and got married and stayed at home to look after the children and this is what happened. Yes it took a long time to get back to work but it is not easy when you have no support only critism and no one wants to help you with it. rather than shouting at me as i didnt have a job some support and encouragement would have been nicer at the time.

if i said i was not feeling well and wanted to go to the doctors he would ignore it and swear at me and not take me willingly and ignore me

when going to the beach with my two sons i remember he bought them each and himself an icecream and not me.

it felt horrible the way i was treated by the man who i loved and married and had my children with. He was stressed i realise that now as no one should act like that but there seemed to be no resolve and we ended up parting, it affected the children for sure.

when you are there in it all you cant see why it is happening, he was taking canibis as well and stronger versions which have affect on the brain, this was for sure, which i didnt realise.

i was always a quiet person and stayed away from conflict and arguing types, had a quiet childhood and happy family life.

its a shame, i just wanted to be married to the same man all my life the father of my children, well that hasnt happened.

My dad said later to me that he never liked my husband, when he came to visit he would never take his coat off as he just wanted to leave as soon as he could. He didnt like the way he shouted at the children or made them go up to their bedrooms for silly things.

well i made a mistake didnt i, but three great children as a result

thats a rant off my chest

it is a shame i just wanted a happy close knit family and ended up with this…

now alone and with sight problems, in a pandemic!

i have my lovely Guide Dog Polly with me at the moment…. thank goodness and my cat Katy

Animals are lovely , they dont critisize, are loyal, always pleased to see you and

16th March 2021

i think when you move your sight will improve, i think  when you first came here there was positivity, your pressures went down, you looked lovely and wore your lenses had your hair done and it was good but the negitivity which followed towards me with regard to having glaucoma symptoms plus the pandemic and living on your own for all this time has made it a lot worse but even if it doesnt get better it wont get worse as if you move making a change then it will get better or improve living in southen don sea where you lived before you were ok with it or you can stay with alan or get a retirement property to live in.. let mike and chrissy live their life and not have to worry about me that is the best thing to do for their sakes, advanced glaucoma has come early for me and this is probably because of the stress i have experienced from Brian when we were married and all the agression and nastiness and then working and moving all at once in southend and all the things that you did after that going to college for access to art and design and degree etc, then going to hereford college and working for rnib and family lives etc and encountering men that were not suitable for you.  its probably best just to stay on your own and live with alan if he is ok with that and lead a peaceful quiet life even if you dont go out with him but stay indoors its not going tobe easy with this sight loss, coming to live in Shrewsbury shropshire is not a good idea for someone with sight loss living on their own.  things will get better but it is not going to be easy.  there is negivity in this bungalow maybe because the woman who lived here before died in here and so impacting on my health too, there is a possiblity as feel something in here and have to fight for life andkeeping well but my imune system has been affected as regards smear test, this is the first time this has happened you have fungal infetion in toe. advamced glaucoma.  Dad had glaucoma but he was still driving his car in his 70s, this has come on far too earlly for me.. He was happily married which made all the difference to his life and as he always said to me that mum was his eyes. i dont have anyone to be my eyes.  My children probably dont want to be bothered with me because of this and it is a shame and it was a shame that our marriage broke down as Brian had such a horrible bad temper which he never showed me when i first met him but when he got stressed with job loss etc .  His mood was stress related and i should have understood this at the time but when someone continually insults and denegrates you and i didnt understand it as made my health worse i had to leave and get away from it. the flight or fight situation is there, and i usually take flight.  it was a shame because i got him out of his horrible life with his mum and dad who were bullies to him and Andrew and he was an intelligent man had  passed his 11 plus and could have gone to a really good school but his parents did not encourage him to do so and he went to  a terrible secondary school.  we were very happy to begin with and the children and i loved looking after them , it is all a shame and a tradgey to be sure.  this life has been hard, i have had many wonderful times throughout it with my life as a child with my mum dad brother and family, golden days and also when my children were young.  At the time of writing this in a pandemic, in bungalow in Shrewsbury with advanced glaucoma and very misty vision and flashing light it is not pleasant at all and i plan to move back to Southend on Sea next week.  I have been very nervous, upset, panicky and fearful recently, a lot but the past couple of days i have had a peace inside me regardless of the eye sight.  It is like i understand it, but it wont go away, it is a flipping nuiscance when i wanted to enjoy the rest of my life, see my family, grandchildren if i have any and now i have to put up with this for the rest of my life.  So, advanced glaucoma, in a new place, Shrewsbury, living on my own, in a pandemic!  To be honest it is a living hell.  Chrissy wanted her mum, a normal supportive mum to be near her and Mike as they have no family here them and i started out ok but it has all gone pear shaped as the glaucoma has got worse and then pandemic.  i wont let this beat me and i am determined to live the rest of my life to a good old age and enjoy it.  If i make the change and move back to Essex, perhaps that will work and get away from the negitivity in this bungalow and have some company with my brother.  People have said i am an empath so this is true as i attract people to me who just seem to think they can talk to me as if they have known me for ages and i hardly or dont even know them.
So thats the end of this piece and got this off my chest as i sit here and pray that keep some of my vision to carry on a semblance of a life.   

yes when i first came to Shrewsbury i remember going to the eye clinic at the Sundorn Road and coming out having reasonable pressures and seeing quite well too for what it was, it was very positive when i first came to Shrewsbury and it was peaceful with the quietness, garden and room in the bungalow. I had said to my pets Katy and Polly when we were living in Southend that we would move and find a nice place to live with a garden. Perhaps i am programmed to fail or things to go wrong as in my marriage though i tried my hardess with what it did and i did get a job and was a working woman as Brian wanted, working for the government and had a good job as an Assistant Compliance Officer, even though i hated doing it. I think this glaucoma has a lot to answer for. i pray i can keep some of my vision it is so difficult to live with little or no vision on your own. Please let me survive this and be able to have a bit of a nice life til i die in my old age. rant over

Feelings Today….

Pushed and pulled in all directions
No time for reflections
My vision has faded
I feel jaded
Quietly I am
As I struggle
And life feels like just one big muddle
People help
And tell me what to do
Where I should be
I really don’t know
I’m tired and weary
Lonely too
I want a more cheerful loving view
A day with company
Loving and true
To stay
And say how are you
Make a cup of tea and smile
Stay with me for a while
My strength will return
I will be just fine
Once I have that company of mine

At the moment my glaucoma is getting worse and my picture is fading. I am finding it very difficult living on my own in Shrewsbury, to be honest. I was optimistic when i moved here as vision was a lot better when i came and could see to do lots more things, sort things in the home, see the lovely flowers in my garden, etc etc but since the pandemdemic it has got worse. It is a horrible feeling…. as much as you know you have to come to terms with it and have a Guide Dog etc. I know it is hard for family and friends to understand what you are going through as i look more or less the same, if i had lost a limb it would be more noticable that something was wrong. i am struggling and it is a lonely journey… family grown, husband divorced and married to someone else… it is very isolated…. i live near my lovely daughter Chrissy at the moment and her husband and they help as much as they can, they have their own life to lead… where is the right place for me… back home in Essex, where i was born and have always gone back to. I was born in Hockley, left there to live in London for a while, met my then husband and moved to New Barnet and then we moved back to Hockley and had my children there, they all went to the same school as me. Unfortunately, my marriage broke down, my husband became very volatile to me, as i didnt have a job, it was not easy three children, no help with child minding and not much work around. I did get a job fairly good one with the Government and got promoted but i left him as it was intolerable. he treated me like dirt at the time… swearing at me, no love, if we went shopping he would throw all the things i put in the shopping basket into the isle on the floor, he said i was fat, ugly, useless et etc.. all the things they say… and me an intelligent woman who had had a good job with a bank in London and married to him, given up work to raise my family and care for him… but the following years were not bad when i met Tom and spent a few years with him. holidays, skiing in France, Cyprus, Madeira etc lots of days out etc but no commitment. Then i decided to study art as was always good at it in the past, so i did that and was just about to do a Fine Art Degree, what fun! in Southend on Sea, when the glaucoma set in, aghhhhhhhhhh is all i can say! But i did lots of things, worked as a volunteer for Guide Dogs as a Speaker, worked for the RNIB in London one day a week, going up there to London with Polly on the train, counselling course, had art in Art Trails and Exhibitions locally. Lots of socialising in Southend with New Street Life Group and Arty Friends etc.

And then Chrissy my daughter says mum come and live in Shrewsbury! So wow! what a great idea, tp be near her and her husband and pup Betsie in their lovely new house in Shrewsbury. So i did it, upheavaled and moved there, for some reason i had a uplift in vision and managed to do lots of things see lots of things it seemed, perhaps it was the positivity of the moment, Itwas great to see her and Mike often, joined a choir, joined a little Church, met some friends, The Beakon pub a great haunt. But certain things went pear shaped, mainly the galucoma, leaving me feeling very isolated and alone with it all as no husband and the boys never came to see me like they used to do in Southend…. then the pendemic! aghhhhhh double whammie! it has been a nightmare to be sure, not being able to see is nightmare on Westwood Drive! Lonely! here yes i am , so move back to where i was. it wont be the same, but it will be familiar ground, where i really wanted to be was in Marylands Avenue where i was married, i wanted to be married to the same man all my life like my mum and dad and all those folks on Facebook who announce they have been married for such a ong time, i would have been married 36 years this year in fact! My little house with the view of the countryside in the backroom, walk to the woods and handy for the shops and station… Instead here i am in this very lovely bungalow in Shrewsbury, on my own, with advanced glaucoma and in a panemdemic! With trusty guide dog and cat Katy here they are with me, thank God, every night and day, it is an experience that is not that pleasant to lose your eyesight…. and be alone…. i never dreamed it …

So now what do i do, i can move back to the place i was before round the corner and spend time with my brother who is on his own. My children are wonderous about him…. he drove me bonkers when i was a child… but he is my blood and my brother too, just as they are my children… Blood makes you close, we were clsoe my mum my dad and him as my parents were not divorced and come what may however we drove each other up the wall, we stuck together. I left my husband as he was so horrible to me at the time…. he is married to the women he met straight away who lives in Rayleigh, whose husband was horrid to her! there you go, swings and round abouts.

So now i just need to find the right place for a visually impaired woman to live her days in peace and in ease as much as she can and have some enjoyment in life as best she can with this sight problem.

I do smile, at things, occasionally, though i have cried a lot recently with it all, it is overwhelming…. I wanted my children to have that sort of mum and dad who came round and helped them with the decorating, did stuff for them, confident and supporting, happy together…

Im really sorry kids, it did not work that way…. i really am, it breaks my heart and sometimes i think it has and that is why vulnerable health problems can take their toll like the glauoma. My dad had glaucoma but he was still driving his car into his seventies.

So where is this haven, this peaceful place, where i can find luck peace and happiness for the rest of my days?

Courage to the change the things i can

and Wisdom to know the differene

Image result for Serenity Prayer. Size: 204 x 204. Source: society6.com

and so it is today 15th February 2021

today i feel a sense of peace after going to the eye clinic…the mist is thick, there is nothing they can apart from the surgery… the simbrinza makes your eyes sore and doesnt do much in the way of pressure reductionit is to adjust to this vision

to stay calm

to decide where to live

is it here or is it in Southend near my brotheri can pull out at the last minute, the moveif i stay here

what would i do to this placeor would i move to a new house
i need to preserve the vision i have left

so

yoga

meditation

exercise

routine

good diet

positive thinking

happy thoughts

dont be control

dont be upset at others actions

give and help others